Born the Winning Sperm

"No person was ever born a loser. Every person born was the winning sperm. They beat out million of others in order to be alive today." -My Dad

Have you ever had one of those moments when your heart drops to your toes, your bottom lip quivers, and your breath stops short for a few seconds...yet your pride won't allow you to even shed a tear? Today, I had one of those moments...although I tend to get them habitually whenever I have idle "thinking time".

As this all-too-familiar moment hit me today, I felt something new. I felt realization. I realized why my heart dropped, why my lip quivered, and why my breathing stopped. It was because I felt weak. 

Now, I am very aware that I have enough pride to share with the entire continent of Africa, however, I am also aware that this pride is what is slowly breaking me down.

I often refuse to share my feelings with people because since I was young, I looked at emotions as a sign of weakness. I often refuse to cry because I feel that tears advertise a walking target. I often refuse to allow myself to morn lose because I figure that no one will care to morn over me. 

It is rare that I allow someone to enter my mind and fully disclose the mystery of "What is wrong with this chick?" whenever I am not at my best. Whenever I have one of those "heart dropping, lip quivering, breath stoppling moments", people only see a sulking, "resting bitch-faced" female. So my question for myself is "Why?" Why is it that I view a perfectly normal human reaction as such a problem that I would rather hide in my room and drown myself in The Weeknd lyrics than ask for a hug?

To be honest, I have tried opening up before...in fact, I became so used to confiding in a certain someone (for the sake of confidentiality...and my pride, we'll name them Dan), but at the end of the day, Dan hurt me. Dan gained my trust, made me feel whole, left me at my peak, and never looked back to see the damage that he caused me. So with my only source of emotional ventilation gone from my life, who else was I to talk to about my problems...especially my problems with Dan...who just so happened to be my ventilation source? Do you see the problem?

Dan is one of the many reasons that I have those thought trains that lead me into a less than ecstatic mood, yet, today I realized that he, along with my every other worry in the world should not hold me back from putting a smile on my face. 

In-the-moment problems are just that...in the moment. Your heart only drops to your toes for a moment, if it didn't, it'd be incredibly hard to walk with buoyancy without tripping. You're lip only quivers for a moment, if it didn't, you would never be able to confidently say the words "I am stronger than my problems" out of your mouth. Your breath only stops for a moment, if it didn't, well...you'd probably die.

(...finally we get to the point of this post)

We shouldn't view emotions as something that weakens us as an individual. 9 times out of 10, your problems are not original. Someone that either currently is or once had walked this earth has faced a gut-wrenching, melodramatically sappy moment that seemed to replicate yours. We are not alone. We don't even need to depend on a "Dan" to make us feel accepted. We need God and trust in our inner strength. 

No matter how weak you feel at the moment, you can press through it. I realized this today. I realized that I am too amazing to doubt myself. I am too human to rely only on myself for a shoulder to cry on. I am too strong to let a moment of sorrow define me as weak.

So, the next time that your world seems to halt as your heart drops to your toes, your bottom lip quivers, and your breath stops for a few moments, please remember that emotions, disappointments, and hurt are unavoidable. However, weakness is a choice and strength is acquired. 

You are a winning sperm.

Tiana