Wants vs Needs

Wants are far different than needs.

I have been attempting to ignore this fact for quit a while, but last night I was forced to face the truth. Sometimes you want something so badly that it seems to become a need. It's not a need. It's a want that is so deeply embedded into your heart that it seems that it would take God Himself to come down and tell you to leave it alone before you actually do.

I have a want. A want that I have become so infatuated with that the mere thought of loosing it makes my stomach churn. For a while, this want seemed to be nothing more than an idea...that idea turned into a lust...that lust turned into a physical possession...that physical possession turned into an obsession...and that obsession turned into a life lesson.

My lesson is that I am finally able to clearly see what I have been thinking for so long.

I struggle with hiding things from myself. It sounds crazy, but I know I am not alone. I am able to note unfortunate facts that are right in front of my face, but I am also able to block my mind from letting that information transfer anywhere close to my heart. I am able to block bad news to the point that I am filled with the delusion that the bad news does not exist. It sounds nice to be able to just "block" ideas from yourself that you know would make you unhappy, but in all reality, it's terrible for your mental health.

I have been knowing for a while that this want of mine is not benefiting me the way it should. In some cases, it's slowing me down. But, I have been blocking the negative about my want for so long that my love for my want grew into a facade of a need.

So, last night as I rode around town with my friends, celebrating yet another 21st birthday in the crew, I got punched in the face by reality. As everyone was holding red solo cups in their hands, I was holding onto my sanity as I randomly realized that I am not as happy as I would like to make myself believe with my "need". My subconscious thoughts took surface as I faced the ugly monster that has been locked away deep in my head: the truth about my need being a want.

I strongly believe that everyone on this earth has a want that they love so badly that they have convinced themselves that it is a need. Dig deep into your mind and categorize your wants from your needs. It's not easy, but it's healthy.

Will I be able treat my "need" as a want? Will you be able to treat yours?


Tiana

Just My Thoughts

I am an emotional being. I wear my feelings on my sleeves and often do not see the need to cover them up. Why? I'm still trying to figure that out...

But, as often as I show my emotions, I often do no talk about them. Why? I'm trying to figure that out too. But, within the past couple of weeks, my emotions have been traveling all around the world and back and it feels as if I my emotional instability is due to the lack of understanding of my own feelings.

So...I guess, right now, I am going to try to express myself the best way that I know how...writing.

I love...
I love but I am so full of fear for love itself. I have a heart bigger than I can explain in just one post, but I do not know how to disperse it in healthy dosages. I have watched myself give damn near my soul to those who wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire. I have watched myself walk away from those who would have given their last breath for me. Why? Because, I fear that if you "love" me, you want something from me and if I love you, I become blind to the "wants" you drain from me. My soul is so full of love, yet my brain is so full of precautions. I think too much. I form conclusions too much. I create situations in my mind that lead me to believe that people are out to get me. So I have to get before I get got (in my Madea voice). How do I get? By simply shutting down. I will get myself to feel nothing before you get me to feel it all. But, this is a defense mechanism that has been failing me for the past 2 years. I can't hide the fact that I care from my own self.

I get angry...
I get angry because I feel misunderstood by many. My thought process confuses even myself, so how the hell do people expect me to explain myself to them? I can't. All I can say is that you do not need to understand me. I barely understand myself. But God understands me. That's all that matters. I know that I can be a brat. When things do not go my way, I get angry. When I feel disrespected, I get angry. When a person breaths wrong...well, I have been known to get a little agitated over minute things. But, I know that much about myself. And believe me when I say that I am working on it. Anger is not a thing of God. So it is no longer a thing of me. But, to be real, I have to admit, my anger is connected to a lot of my childhood. As fabulous as I am now, I wasn't always this sassy girl with the cat-eyed eyeliner. I was once a child who got teased and bullied. I did not know how to defend myself, so I would hold it all in until I got home and then would lock myself into my room and cry...for hours. I caused harm upon myself. I cursed at God. I hated myself along with everyone around me. It took me until I was 16 to learn how to stand up for myself. It took me until I was 16 to stop blaming God. It took me until I was 16 to love myself and forgive the miserable bastards that tormented me for being "chubby", "an oreo", a "nerd", and called so many other names that I laugh at now. I have surpassed my younger self by relieving myself of a lot of my anger, but I also know that I have a shorter fuse because I feel the need to defend myself before you even TRY to do me wrong. There's no excuse for it...it's just me. I'm working on it.

I understand...
I understand people more than they will ever know. It's both a blessing and a curse. Call it the Libra in me, but I do not judge people whatsoever. A stranger could walk up to me with a bloody machete in their hands, and I would be the person to attempt to soothe them as I imagine myself in their shoes. I think that's why I give so many people second (and third...forth...tenth) chances. I always see myself in someone else's shoes. Trust me when I say that my friends hate coming to me when they are mad at someone because I am always the one who brings both parties' feelings into the mix for a justified conclusion of the issue. But, understanding people while barley understanding myself leaves me confused. Why can I understand why Billy pushed me down, but I can't understand why I screamed back at Billy?

I dream...
I dream of a life for myself and those that I love that is so big that not even I can comprehend it. I want the penthouse suite with the new hardwood floors and brick walls overlooking the city lights. I want that all black Range Rover with the custom black and pink interior. I want that job where I am known world wide for doing what I do best...writing. I want that husband that is so fine that every woman wants him, but he loves me so much that he doesn't give a damn about them. I want my children to be so beautiful, smart, and full of ambition so that they can outdo me at my prime. I want to give to people all that was never given to me. I want to give back what has been given to me. I want to be apart of something so much greater than myself. I dream of these things. I crave these things. I will have these things. With each day that I have, I spend it  working towards reaching those dreams and making them become realities. I make sure that I give when I can, not because of karma, but because just my little contribution could start the process of another person's dream becoming a reality. I dream, know, and believe that God has my back...even when it seems that my dreams are being put on hold.

Lastly,

I write...
I write because it is the only way that I truly know how to express myself. I am a journalism major because I want a career where I will be able to exercise my passion everyday until I die. When words fail me because of that lump in the back of my throat that indicates that I am about to cry, I write. When words fail me because I am too happy to even stop smiling about my blessings, I write. When I am downright lost for words, I write whatever synonyms I feel best relates to my emotions. This post itself may seem like a mere rant about me and my feelings...but to anyone that knows me, this is a major step for me. I do not express myself very well. I keep everything balled in or get frustrated when no one gets me when I do try to explain myself. Writing is a part of me. It is an emotion. How am I feeling today? I'm feeling like a writer. How did that make me feel? It made me feel like I need to write. Am I going to be okay? I am going to be alwrite (get it?)

Taking time to reflect upon yourself is healthy and important. Try it.


Tiana

Levels and Devils

Let me tell you, God has blessed me so much within the past few weeks. 

I haven't made a post recently, but that is because I have been taking care of some business. School, finances, and relationships are some of the many things that have been taking my "blog time" away from me, but I'm baaaaaaack. Missed me?

Since my last post, I have upgraded to a new level in my life. I'm at the level where I am finally piecing together the importance of getting my life together. I've been doing my research (for both my upcoming speech and also for my own personal knowledge), and did you know that 69% of employers give job offers to their interns? ...so can you guess what I've been working on for the past few weeks? Applying for internships can be a little overwhelming (especially when you're trying to not ask your parents for application advice every 5 seconds), but they are well worth it in the end. I'm not going to give exact details about my progression within the internship world, but I will advise you to be prepared for me to be more busy than what I already am.

Along with internships come other extracurricular activities. I have been busy with planning for and hosting events for my organization RHA and I just recently finished training with my school's RA Academy. You know what that means? It means that I may become an RA for one of my school's dorms next semester (fingers crossed!). On this new level of mine, I have made it a necessity to become involved with my school and community. I'm looking forward to next semester and the new organizations and activities that I will become involved with.

Unfortunately, although their have been great things going for me, their has been some hard times. One struggle that I know just about every college student understands is student loans. Oh my gosh, do you understand the stress of handling college loans without trying to drag your parents into it? (You can probably see my trend of not trying to bring my parents into everything..."independence" ...right?) On top of that, I have had to do the unthinkable...take off my acrylic nails. Yes, I know. Anyone that knows me knows that since 9th grade, acrylic nails have been my addiction...but they are becoming a financial burden to me since I do not have an on-campus job. Trust me, Christmas, summer, and spring break paychecks from McDonalds are not going to support my expensive taste, necessities, and acrylics. Sacrifices. But those sacrifices are beyond worth it when you hear your parents say how proud they are of you and your maturity. 

On this new level, came another devil...a breakup. It wasn't my first nor will it be my last, but it still hurt. I cried, I got angry, I even contemplated burning his stuff that he left in my room...but let's be real, if it didn't work out well for Left Eye, it probably wouldn't work for me either. But in the end, I'm glad the split happened. Yes I care for him, but I also know that I care for myself and all the things that I need to do while I have my short 2 years left in college. (I can't believe that in 3 weeks, I'll be half way there to graduating college).  Plus, if it's meant to be, it'll come back into place...if it isn't, well there are plenty of other good looking guys that will realize that I am the bomb-diggity. 

So...

The purpose of this post wasn't to give a recap of the last few weeks of my life, although I do feel like I should give an explanation for my recent absence from The Tiana Diaries. It was to explain that on every new level of your life, you will come across new devils. I have had so many blessings coming towards me, yet I can't deny that times have been hard. Emotionally, I have been a little unstable (breakups, stress, and estrogen can be one hell of a mix), but I have finally found a levelheaded ground for myself. Financially I have been struggling (a temporary R.I.P. to my beautiful claws) but I am learning financial responsibility (and between tax returns and refund checks, I don't have too much to worry about for much longer). But let me tell you, this new level of mine has been so rewarding. I have never been so proud of myself or excited for my future until now. I have never appreciated the words "I am proud of you" as much as I have on this level of my life. I have never looked forward to hard work before...ever...until now, because I know that with hard work comes great outcomes. 

This new level of my life has introduced me to so much more than devils. Devils...the devil...they don't scare me. I am too much of a bad-ass (excuse my language) to succumb to the fear of failure, heartbreak, or anything in general! I have myself, my family, and God to help me upgrade to new levels. Trust me, my next level will be even more rewarding than this one...just wait on it.  

Born the Winning Sperm

"No person was ever born a loser. Every person born was the winning sperm. They beat out million of others in order to be alive today." -My Dad

Have you ever had one of those moments when your heart drops to your toes, your bottom lip quivers, and your breath stops short for a few seconds...yet your pride won't allow you to even shed a tear? Today, I had one of those moments...although I tend to get them habitually whenever I have idle "thinking time".

As this all-too-familiar moment hit me today, I felt something new. I felt realization. I realized why my heart dropped, why my lip quivered, and why my breathing stopped. It was because I felt weak. 

Now, I am very aware that I have enough pride to share with the entire continent of Africa, however, I am also aware that this pride is what is slowly breaking me down.

I often refuse to share my feelings with people because since I was young, I looked at emotions as a sign of weakness. I often refuse to cry because I feel that tears advertise a walking target. I often refuse to allow myself to morn lose because I figure that no one will care to morn over me. 

It is rare that I allow someone to enter my mind and fully disclose the mystery of "What is wrong with this chick?" whenever I am not at my best. Whenever I have one of those "heart dropping, lip quivering, breath stoppling moments", people only see a sulking, "resting bitch-faced" female. So my question for myself is "Why?" Why is it that I view a perfectly normal human reaction as such a problem that I would rather hide in my room and drown myself in The Weeknd lyrics than ask for a hug?

To be honest, I have tried opening up before...in fact, I became so used to confiding in a certain someone (for the sake of confidentiality...and my pride, we'll name them Dan), but at the end of the day, Dan hurt me. Dan gained my trust, made me feel whole, left me at my peak, and never looked back to see the damage that he caused me. So with my only source of emotional ventilation gone from my life, who else was I to talk to about my problems...especially my problems with Dan...who just so happened to be my ventilation source? Do you see the problem?

Dan is one of the many reasons that I have those thought trains that lead me into a less than ecstatic mood, yet, today I realized that he, along with my every other worry in the world should not hold me back from putting a smile on my face. 

In-the-moment problems are just that...in the moment. Your heart only drops to your toes for a moment, if it didn't, it'd be incredibly hard to walk with buoyancy without tripping. You're lip only quivers for a moment, if it didn't, you would never be able to confidently say the words "I am stronger than my problems" out of your mouth. Your breath only stops for a moment, if it didn't, well...you'd probably die.

(...finally we get to the point of this post)

We shouldn't view emotions as something that weakens us as an individual. 9 times out of 10, your problems are not original. Someone that either currently is or once had walked this earth has faced a gut-wrenching, melodramatically sappy moment that seemed to replicate yours. We are not alone. We don't even need to depend on a "Dan" to make us feel accepted. We need God and trust in our inner strength. 

No matter how weak you feel at the moment, you can press through it. I realized this today. I realized that I am too amazing to doubt myself. I am too human to rely only on myself for a shoulder to cry on. I am too strong to let a moment of sorrow define me as weak.

So, the next time that your world seems to halt as your heart drops to your toes, your bottom lip quivers, and your breath stops for a few moments, please remember that emotions, disappointments, and hurt are unavoidable. However, weakness is a choice and strength is acquired. 

You are a winning sperm.

Tiana

Kalopsia

You know, the grass isn't always greener on the other side...and if it is, it might just be turf.

Often, we find ourselves in the midst of jealousy. We see what others have and wonder why we don't have it...why do they deserve it? But, have you ever wondered how many people look at you and envy your life?


Why envy when you can be happy? You should not only be content, but also thankful that you live the life that you live. You don't have the money for something you want at the moment? Okay, well there are people living under the Brooklyn bridge praying to God that they'll survive another night. You're not as skinny as that girl in your Physics class? Well, she secretly suffers bulimia along with several thousand women in the US. You didn't test as well as that guy in your English class? Well at least you have the opportunity to attend a school unlike several millions of people throughout the world.

The world outside of your window might seem glorious, but it may not be as great as you think. Use what you have and flourish with it. Envy of another's life doesn't hurt them, it only burdens your heart with jealousy and sets you back from earning what they have earned or even better.

The delusion that your life is in need of anything other than God (or whatever you believe in), family, and REAL friends is what's setting you back from the happiness that could enhance your life to a whole new level. Sit back and think of all you have. What "minute" belongings you have now may be gone within a blink of an eye, so cherish it. Love it. Love your life and be happy that you're no one else other than yourself.

No one lives a perfect life, no matter how much you may envy them. And shoot, if you can't beat them, then join them! But you can't join through sitting on your butt complaining and envying what other's have...you join through working hard to get what you want.

 Work...earn...indulge. Create your own beautiful life to live rather than sitting on the other side of the fence envying the delusion of your neighbor's perfect life,




Tiana

 

Baggage

Baggage is one of those major things that can ruin a potentially beneficial and happy relationship.

I think it's fair to say that, by now, we all have had our hearts torn apart at one point.  If you haven't, then God bless you because you dodged some serious bullets. But, for those of us that have, we sometimes have a habit of holding on to the pain. Why? Who in the world wants to feel that pain over and over again? Who wants to relive that part of their life that seemed more like an obituary to our love life than a new chapter? I can't answer for everyone, but if you're anything like me, you hold on to the pain as a reminder of when you feel it's time to run away.

I've mastered the art of running away. When feelings get to deep, I tend to get scared...even mad. "Who the hell is he, making me smile all hard like this? Why is he being so nice?" ...Well sweetheart, he may just be a great guy that sees everything the last didn't. "But what if he leaves too? What if he cheats too? What if I go another 2 months in a depression because I'll feel like nobody sees potential in me?" ...Shut up. All that complaining and fear is doing nothing but drawing you back from finding what God really has in store for you. Do you know how many guys I thought I was going to be with forever? Three. Three guys. I'm only 19. What possessed me to believe that they were the ones? Idiocy.

I am still young. This is the part of my life where, although I am now required to begin finding independent solutions to my problems, I still have my parents to help clean up my mistakes. I am still young. This is the part of my life where I am beginning to find who I am. I am still young. This is the part of my life where I discover that not every "I love you" is real.

So, as I think about my past relationships and how they effected me, I should thank my ex's rather than detest them. Like the beautiful Christina Aguilera once said "After all that you put me through, you think I'd despise you. But in the end, I want to thank you because you've made me that much stronger."

Christina sees the big picture and so should we. Don't bring baggage into your relationship with Billy because of how things went down with Bob. Billy didn't do anything wrong to you! It's easier said than done when your hearts taken more jabs than a punching bag...but it's a learning process. I'm in a new relationship and I often find myself getting secretly frustrated with my boyfriend because of petty things. "He didn't answer my phone call, oh, well that means he's off cheating just like my ex. He's acting distant? Well that means that he's preparing to abandon me just like whats-his-face." ...Wrong. So incredibly wrong. Why am I treating him as if he was the one that broke my heart 2 years ago? I didn't even know him 2 years ago!

Feelings can suck. Emotions can hurt. Memories can sting. Relationships don't always last, but baggage is a heavy and gross load that not only burdens you, but also your partner. Don't bring baggage into your next relationship because you may end up filling your partner with resentment towards you that could lead to their potential (yes, you've guessed it!)...baggage! It's an abhorrent series of events that you could end with just your love and forgiveness.

Learn from your past. Be easygoing but not stupid. Don't put up with crap. Put your foot down. Demand what you believe you deserve. BUT DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT make someone suffer for another person's actions. Love wisely. Be happy. Live freely. And if your new relationship with Billy doesn't work out, it's not Bob's fault and certainly don't let it roll over to your relationship with Ben.

Sit back, think, breathe, love, and forgive,

Tiana

Lets Get Lost Together!

Hey everyone,

So, I'm a little new to this blogging thing...but I'm beyond excited to begin my journey as a blogger. I'm currently a sophomore at Norfolk State University majoring in Journalism. I've lollygagged about what in the world that I am going to do with this major...I mean, there are so many freaking options...but that's the beauty of journalism. Journalism is limitless...and so are my thoughts. 

So, as a journalism major, why shouldn't I begin experimenting with the blog world while my thoughts are just as scattered as my peers'? The purpose of my page is to extend my knowledge, thoughts,  friendship, and lessons with fellow college students. Lets be honest, we're all a little lost during these years as we try to figure what we're going to do with ourselves for the rest of our lives...why be lost alone?

I hope you all take this journey with me and enjoy,
Tiana